


One step forward two steps back

by krelofwerewolf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: All Hogwarts Years, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Child Abuse, Dark Magic, Duelling, Eventual Romance, Fighting, First War with Voldemort, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hogwarts, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Legilimency (Harry Potter), Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Maybe - Freeform, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Occlumency (Harry Potter), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Quidditch, School stuff, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Thestrals (Harry Potter), War, Werewolves, Young Sirius Black, haven't decided yet, i hope i don't die writing this, idk how to tag, kinda fix-it, main character knows too much, we hate walburga, we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:15:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27575725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krelofwerewolf/pseuds/krelofwerewolf
Summary: Time is a fickle thing, somebody said once upon a time. When? It could be the past, or in the future for all we know. In my eyes, it’s the future. The important thing to know though, is that time changes everything. And I need more of it, or we will all die a horrible death. I would prefer if we didn’t.A reincarnation fic you probably don’t need but it exists anyway. Going through the life of an unexpected force that with the right power play can change the fate of everything. (Marauder’s era)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	One step forward two steps back

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I have no idea what this is, but I have worked on it for a loooong time, so I hope you like it. My goal is to finish writing this, I already have a lot of chapters written but seven years of school PLUS a few years after that as well takes a lot of time to write, so don't expect me to upload every week (even though I know it's frustrating waiting for another chapter. My wrist is also new out of surgery so I can't write as fast as I would like to, but school work is not that much right now, I only have like three books to read (yikes) but I've missed writing so much that I had to upload this now to motivate myself. We could all need a distraction from the real world in times like these. I hope you are well and enjoy the reading! (I apologise for the spelling and grammar mistakes in advance.) And I would also like to add that this fic is a little bit inspired by Rose Petal Red by NonchalantxFish, you could potentially see similarities, but I am in no way trying to copy it. If you don't like my fic, go read theirs instead! It's great! Happy reading :)

Magic. Such a beautiful concept. It truly is. 

But there are things in this world that come with magic that is not half as pretty. 

Ugly, even. 

Terrible things that make my skin crawl. I’ve heard about it, read about it in the seemingly endless library in my home. I’ve experienced it. 

There are things in this world that are not supposed to be done, thought of or even possible to do. But magic can supply the rest. The impossible is possible with enough thought, will and power.

Power. We think that humans are free. No one is free. We are chained to the ones with power, and they rule this world as they seem fit. We can vote our ministers, walk down the road in peace and speak to anyone we want. We think it is freedom. We are so strongly captivated by the thought of the free will that we choose to ignore that everyone on the top is unchanging. They use us as pawns in their little game. They lead the world, we choose a different minister, but they are all the same in the office. The names change but the streets stay the same. It is how it works. 

There are things though, that are not even supposed to work, even with magic. The names change, sure, the streets stay the same, absolutely. But what happens when a new street appears? It seemingly comes out of nowhere, but it goes out from the main road like a little forest path, and it grows. It grows so much that the main road soon is abandoned, because everyone else follows that new path. The free will is guiding them on a new track, and it is the same that is chaining them to the new lane. It’s festering on people’s interest, the curiosity is smelling something new and follows the track in front of it. There is no control, and the ones with power will quickly realize it, and try to control it in some way, somehow. 

But it’s impossible, and I would know. I am that new path. I’m hoarding everyone I know and don’t know down a lane, and I have no idea where it ends. Or how. And I’m terrified. I knew the main road like the back of my hand, and then I’m the same person who destroys it by only existing. 

Although, there is something light in the darkness that I’m hurtling towards; I’m building something new. A new path, a new future, and I will try and make it with as little bloodshed as I possibly can. But I know one thing, for sure.

Voldemort  _ will bleed.  _

  
  
  


_ Where am I? _

_ Where. The hell. Am I? _

_ What did just happen?  _

_ I’m so confused oh Lord. _

_ Wait. _

_ I can’t see. _

_ Why can’t I see? _

_ Hello?! _

_ What the fuck??!!! _

_ Help! _

_ Alright, just breath.  _

_ Four seconds holding in, four breathing out. Relax. It’s fine. You’re fine.  _

_ Okay this doesn’t work, I’m just screaming. But it’s so COLD dammit! _

_ It’s dark, but kind of light at the same time. That’s weird. _

_ Did I have a stroke or something?  _

_ No, you did not have a stroke. You’re not dead. You’re fine, just in shock from- whatever just happened. Just, try and move. _

_ Oh GOD don’t move.  _

_ Well, that hurt like a bitch. Am I still screaming? Don’t know. Probably. I’m alive at least. If I didn’t go to hell, that would probably hurt too.  _

_ It’s cold like in the grave too. Never felt this cold before. It hurts like HELL. _

_ But if I were in hell, I would burn, right? So why is it cold? _

_ But I’m not dead! I can’t be. It doesn’t make any sense. What happened? Come on brain, cooperate with me please! _

_ Alright, so I was walking. With my sister. Yes. And then… Darkness? _

**Screams. Pain.** _Who was screaming? Me?_

_ Wait, I’m missing something out.  _

_ Oh why does everything have to be so dizzy? I feel like I have to vomit. Move to the side so you don’t puke on yourself. _

_ OH NO DON’T MOVE. _

_ It HURTS. _

**Noice. Scream.**

_ What was that? Is someone else screaming? Is there someone else here? Hello?! Maybe if I keep screaming, someone will help me? _

_ Shit, I can’t talk, only scream. Stupid me. Stupid pain.  _

_ Why me? _

_ Is someone touching me? Feels kind of it, I think.  _

_ Oh. OH. Did I just pee myself? And why is someone touching me? Why is everything suddenly warm? No, that can’t be right. The warmth feels kind of nice. And my body doesn’t feel like I’ve been hit by a truck anymore. Good.  _

_ (Was I hit with a truck? Maybe. I stood kind of close to the road.) _

_ Can I sit up now at least? Please don’t hurt, I will do anything to you, body. Maybe even give up alcohol. Alright, maybe not that, but fast food and sweets, perhaps? Yeah, that seems fair.  _

_ Why am I talking to my body? Idiot. _

_ I can move slightly now, though. SWEET. Can I open my eyes?  _

_ HOLY HELL THAT’S BRIGHT. I’M ON THE SUN. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? SHUT THEM SHUT THEM NOW. _

_ Alright, that’s better. Still not good though. Body, you betrayed me. More alcohol to me though. Damn, I could use some good booze right now. Maybe the person touching me has something strong?  _

_ Worth a shot, right? _

_ But I can’t. Fucking. Move.  _

_ GAH this is tiring.  _

_ I want to sleep… _

NO  _ you don’t! You need to figure out what happened! _

_ But I can’t… focus- _

  
  
  
  


The world was blurry. Everything was fuzzy, and I felt dizzy. But slowly, the world came into focus. How long had it been? I couldn’t figure out how long it’d been. Time seemed to float really weirdly. And I could still not move freely, see clearly or feel touch as I used to. Everything was just really confusing, and my mind wasn’t as clear and lucid as before. Now what before was, I didn’t really know. I only knew that this was a new feeling, like being wrapped in cotton and muted to all feelings or thoughts. It was actually a bit unnerving. 

When I had the ‘before’, I would’ve been happy to not feel anything. Just to be, and exist. As a young adult in the modern world, it was quite unusual to not feel anxious on a daily basis. Stress about the future that might not even exist if we humans don’t get our shit together consumed us, and life overall was just meh. 

But  _ this _ , oh, this floating, cotton candy, cloudy feeling, would’ve been nice ‘before’. Would’ve. But now, it was just weird and cold. I felt like the clouds were closing in on me, and the cotton candy was strangling me with the sweetness of it’s sugary drug. All of my senses were tuned out, and not being able to see properly actually scared the living life out of me. 

My hearing was fucked up too. Strange sounds could be heard at random times, and I couldn’t figure out what it was, and where it came from. I was lost, you could say. This world was really weird from the last I lived in. Was I in some sort of afterlife? Or what was happening? No, that couldn’t be right, I had already decided that I wasn’t dead. But where was I then? This must’ve been some kind of drug they used on me in the hospital that I’m hoping that I’m in. The cloudy thoughts were often interrupted by weird instincts that made me lose my grip  _ completely,  _ before I could compose myself again. Maybe the cotton candy sugar drug made me hallucinate. 

I slept  _ all the time  _ as well _. _ It was nothing I could control, the weird sorts of instincts told me what I wanted to do and have. I screamed a lot. And I think that I cried sometimes too. That was really out of place, because I usually  _ never _ cried. Some people would probably call me heartless or insensitive, but that was only who I was. I wasn’t the type that cried at funerals and such. It wasn’t because I wasn’t sad, because I  _ was _ , but I felt more empty than anything else, and didn’t feel the urge to cry that others did. I think that my eyes were a bit damaged, as I cried all the time now, and never did before. That would also explain why I couldn’t see anything but blurs. Everything was grey and white and black. Nothing more. Weird blobs, no shapes or anything. 

_ Oh no, please don’t tell me that I’ve become blind. That would just destroy everything nice in this world. Maybe I’m in a hospital? Maybe I’ve been in a coma, and can’t do things properly? Oh God, I hope not. I’m just praying now that my brain isn’t damaged. Please put me out of this state.  _

  
  


After a while, the white and black blurs merged into shapes, and the sounds became clearer. I could hear voices, both normal, and something like from far away, but oddly shaped, like they were echoing inside my head. I hoped that they were real people, so that I wasn’t alone. Alone right now was a feeling that made me a bit sad, even though my thoughts still were a bit cloudy. But the fuzziness was better now. But still, loneliness did not feel good. I wanted to speak with someone, to share my thoughts and worries, to know that I wasn’t  _ crazy. _ In my ‘before’ state, I didn’t actually mind being alone, and I enjoyed my own company, and the quietness and calm. But this was not the same feeling. I didn’t want to be alone. It was too quiet, too calm. So I opened my eyes, and saw a large room for the first time.

_ Wow. This is almost overwhelming. But screw that, I’M ALIVE. Right. I never thought that I would say that. And I didn’t actually think that I was dead. But I did start to question my existence a bit for a second there. But I still can’t move. What kind of bullshit is this?  _

I moved my eyes around and took in the surroundings in the room, that I could see without moving my head too much. The room was furnished in Victorian (I think?) style, with dark furniture that looked kind of old. I laid on something soft, (a bed?) with high, black bars around it. Why was everything so big? And why did my bed have bars around it? The ceiling was painted black with golden swirls that made a beautiful pattern. Directly above me hung a huge, golden chandelier with shining crystals and lighted candles in it. It casted shadows around the room behind the many furnitures, and my instincts told me that it was dangerous. The dark was something to fear. 

_ What? I wasn’t afraid of the dark.  _

**_Fear._ **

I tried to speak, but could only make out a loud screech, like a scream. Dammit. Something to my right moved, and I wriggled to try and look at the thing that had made the sound. Was it someone else here? Maybe if I screamed, I would wake the person up? It seemed like my little scream had stirred the other person, so maybe it would work? So I screamed. Loud. I did not, however, recognize my voice. It was really sharp and high, like a scared little child. 

_ But you are scared, aren’t you? What about the dark shadows? fearfear _ **_fear_ **

I squeezed my eyes shut to try and make the dark go away, but it only got darker, so I screamed even louder in terror. The thing/person/(...baby?) beside me started screaming too. A shrill, ear crushing sound that made me regret everything. Something from far away made a sound, and I think I heard steps closing in. 

_ Good. Maybe I can ask the person what the fuck was happening. Or maybe he or she could tell me, as I can’t speak right now.  _

**_Fearfearfearfearfear_ **

Weird voices became louder, and it was almost like they were outside the room. They were speaking what I think was English (thank God for that), and I tried to listen in, but it was mostly just blurs blended together into a weird and mumbling sound. Nothing that made any sense. Odd words in odd contexts. 

**_both awake… hungry..? dark… missing…_ **

Someone opened a door just outside of my vision, and walked into the room. The voices around me exploded into my ears (or mind?), and I could almost feel a headache building. Being able to hear now was something new, and it all overwhelmed me. The person stood over me now, and relief filled me. (They was GIGANTIC. What the hell?) So I wasn’t alone in this weird world. It was a woman who stood over me, and she was beautiful with dark eyes and black hair framing her face. She was tall, and probably around her early thirties. The voices increased in intensity but I couldn’t make out anything as it all was so overwhelming. She was not smiling. 

_ Why am I hearing her talking when she is not moving her lips?  _

I wanted to smile at the woman, but my body didn’t seem to want to respond to my demands, so I settled with staring back up at her instead. The woman looked down at me, but didn’t move a muscle.

“Ah, you’re awake. I thought I heard one of you scream. What’s the matter this time?” The woman talked on, and I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t talk, or move, or anything really. I recognised the voice though, but I couldn’t figure out why. 

_ Man, this is frustrating. I just want to talk to someone. _

“Well, Sirius seems to be awake now, too”, said the woman and walked out of sight again. So my suspicions were right, someone else was in the room with me too. And his name was Sirius. Really weird name if you would ask me, but no one did, so I said nothing. As if I could. 

But something else hit me then. 

_ Oh.  _

No. No, I’m just making this up. I’m just tired, making up things in my damaged mind. Maybe I was actually hit by that truck, and I went into that coma? Yes, that sounded much more likely than… this. Whatever this was. 

_ I am  _ not  _ a baby. I did  _ not _ die, and did  _ not  _ rebirth into a fucking baby. I’m not having this. And I am most certainly not hearing voices in my head. Just my imagination. Yes.  _

But as I tried to assure myself that I wasn’t going crazy that I somehow had died, pictures suddenly appeared in my head. Pictures that looked strangely familiar. Memories. 

_ Oh God no.  _

**_Screaming. Pain. People running. Bangs and cracks. Pain in the shoulder. Someone shaking me. A familiar face. My mind slowly slipping. Speaking without hearing-_ **

The woman continued to talk aloud for herself, and I continued to hear her other thoughts in my head. I couldn’t take it. It was all too much. So I did all that I could do at the moment. 

I screamed. 

Oh Lord, did I scream loud. It was from the panic, the grief that struck me when I realized that I was  _ dead  _ but I  _ wasn’t,  _ and I was just confused like hell. I didn’t know that woman, and I realized that I didn’t even know who  _ I  _ was anymore, because my thoughts were slowly slipping, and my grip on them seemed to slide away. So I screamed louder, and then someone else was screaming to my right, and I quieted down at the sound. It gave me some sort of comfort, hearing the other screaming voice. My (baby?) instincts told me that the voice belonged to someone I knew, something familiar. I forged myself to that familiar feeling and sound, in hope that I was not losing it completely. Maybe I already had, but then I would have that small but strong voice with me, in a screaming inferno of insecurity and pain and grief. 

“Merlin you’ve got strong lungs. It’s like your birth all over again. What is it now? Are you hungry? Stomach ache?” The woman talked on once more and came into my sight again. I didn’t recognize the woman from ‘before’, but she also gave me a sense of security and familiarity. I didn’t know her personally as I had only just met her, but my baby instincts told me that she was safe, she was home. And in my confusion and frustration, I listened to the only thing that I could trust, and that was my instincts. A word could only describe the feeling.  _ Mother. _

Suddenly, my world  _ turned _ as I was lifted up in the air by the woman’s arms, and pressed against her chest and I quietly sobbed into her black blouse, trying to calm myself down. It was really hard. I never really had a problem with emotions before, but these instincts told me that I needed to cry more before I could settle down, so that was what I did. 

_ This is sooo fucked up I don’t even know where to begin.  _

“Well, my Aurora. I hope that you’ll be less louder when you’re older. That would be a blessing”, continued the woman to speak with only me listening. I assumed that only I could understand her, as a normal baby like Sirius wouldn’t. I rolled this new information in my head. Sirius? That was not a name I had heard before. Not in the real world of course. Sirius was a star, and I had only heard it as a name from the Harry Potter universe. 

And then it hit me like a hundred trucks all over again. 

Sirius. Sirius  _ Black.  _ Harry Potter.  _ Harry.  _ **_Potter_ ** _. _

I rolled it over and over in my mind, but I couldn’t find a logical solution. 

I had been reborn into the fucking Harry Potter universe, hadn’t I? No. No way.  _ That is not possible. This is not possible in any way. Nature or physics aren’t supposed to work like that!  _

Sure, reincarnation is not a rare belief in some religions, but to be  _ reborn into a fake world _ ,  **_going back in time_ ** ? 

No, my brain was officially fucked.  _ I can’t cope with this, I need to sleep, and when I wake up, I’m going to be back home in a hospital or something, or surely be dead.  _

I screamed again. 

  
  


I did not wake up in my ‘real’ world again after that. I learnt that my new name was Aurora Cassiopeia Black, and I was the bloody  _ sister  _ to Sirius Orion Black. I was the freaking  _ twin  _ to Sirius Black! I was the daughter who was not supposed to be here to Orion and Walburga Black. This was sooo not canon. In any way. I was  _ not _ supposed to be here. At all. 

The voices in my head that were not there before I’d died grew steadily worse too. I realised that I could sense them better when I was feeling distressed or unhappy, or if a person near me was feeling overly emotional in some way. My brother, Sirius, was a total nightmare in that case, because he was an infant and all of his emotions were strong in some way. Always super happy or super angry. Never any words though _ ,  _ as he hadn’t developed a knowledge for any language yet, but I could kind of translate his emotions to thoughts of what he was thinking and feeling. 

**_hungryhappysleepyhappysadhungrysad_ **

It was all very exhausting, and I tried to adapt to my new fate. The constant extra thoughts and memories and things made me disoriented and unsure of what my own thoughts were and what someone else’s were. 

Magic was also something that completely  _ blew my mind _ . I hadn’t even given the thing a though when I realized that I was living in a fake-but-not-so-fake-magical-world. My mother and father would wave their wands, and I would stare transfixed at them when things began doing stuff by themselves, or books and other stuff would  _ fly _ across the room towards them. 

And I realized, as I was existing in a magical household, I was a  _ witch _ . And I would learn magic and have my own wand and go to- 

Hogwarts. 

Gosh, my childhood dream was coming true. I almost cried from happiness, this was  _ real _ . I would be able to own an owl or a cat and do magic and shit. That was completely  _ awesome _ . 

Then there was the house elf, Kreacher. Oh god, Kreacher. He (it?) was the most disturbing thing I had ever seen in both my lifes. Rowling did NOT make up the ugliness and weirdness that was a house elf. 

The first time I saw Kreacher, I began to cry. And of course when I did, so did Sirius, because he seemed to want to do the same things as me. (Sorry mom and dad, but I couldn’t help to be terrified with such an ugly thing. Poor Kreacher.) I realized that I was a crier in this life, but I was also only an infant, and that could have something to do with all the crying. I blamed it on that, anyhow. I decided to not cry so much when I became older and could actually control my tear ducts.

Something that gnawed at my insides was that I somewhat liked my mother and father. Mostly my father, Orion. I knew that in the H.P world, Sirius hated them both, but I couldn’t resist to like them more and more each day. My mother would pick me up when my baby instincts would take over and screamed, and only hush me and press me closer to her chest. And that single gesture would calm me, and engulf me in a sense of love and protection. 

That was why I couldn’t understand why our mother had hurt Sirius so much that he decided to leave the house before he even turned seventeen. But that, of course, hadn’t happened yet. She was protecting us, comforting us when we were sad. Her pride spilled over when Sirius learnt something new, or we began to roll over to our stomach by ourselves or other small things that we did, even though she never said anything. I thought that maybe, only  _ maybe _ , my existence in this universe had changed her somehow, and my father as well. But I had to spend more time with them to really know where they stood in relation to us kids (beside the fact that we were family). 

Sirius was a bit behind me in our development as humans, because I was so  _ eager  _ to learn to move as fast as possible. And having a lucid mind as a baby would probably help you with that. I had to remind myself though, that I couldn’t do things too quickly, because that would be really suspicious. 

I started to follow Sirius to see what he was doing, and actually got to take baby steps to become a toddler. But Sirius wanted to do all the things that I did, so he was also beginning to roll around, and very soon crawl with me. I didn’t really think that baby’s usually developed this fast, but if anyone would notice, I would blame it on that Sirius and I were twins, and we would watch each other and try to copy what the other did. Then it became like a competition, and everything just happened like a snowball rolling down a giant mountain called Life. 

(Not that I could tell anyone this right now, as I couldn’t talk yet, but you get the idea.)

It was actually pretty funny to relearn everything again, and to feel that satisfying feeling when you could almost stand by yourself or similar stuff after  _ weeks  _ and  _ months _ of trying. I wanted to learn how to balance and walk as soon as possible, because that would be awesome to do again, because crawling on the floor actually hurt my knees more than you would think. And I would be able to run around with Sirius, and hide from baths (that wasn’t funny in any way; no splashing water, no bubbles, sad as it sounds) and I would be older, and then go to Hogwarts. God, what I wanted to do it already. But I had to remind myself that I had ten more years to live before that. And that thought sucked more than baths. 

Something that made me a little bit sad was that our father was not around much. Walburga was home with us children and took care of us, but Orion was always gone on the days, and often in the evenings as well. As one of the heads, and the father to the heir of Black, he was often invited to dinners and such with other pureblood families in the evenings. He was dealing with politics, no doubt sitting in the Wizengamot, voting in laws in favour for pure-bloods. 

Cygnus Black was the true heir of the family, but as he was the father to only daughters, Sirius became the next heir instead of one of Cygnus children. I had been really pissed when I realized that this sort of sexist pureblood shit existed in the world, but shouted myself down when I knew that my cousin Bellatrix wouldn’t be the one in power in the house after all. A small comfort, but with the price of Sirius raise in status, and the reduction of the freedom that he wished to have. 

After all, my father was also a Black, but a smaller side branch, with a little less power than my uncle Cygnus. But Cygnus and my mother were siblings in the main branch of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, and my father was also a Black, so Sirius got more power and became the true heir. True inbreeding, this was. I wondered if the voices of others in my head was a result of the inbreeding or something. I didn’t know what I would look like when I grew up, but could only hope that I wouldn’t be ugly. 

Of course, Sirius didn’t know it now, but as he became older, he would despise the house and its beliefs. Regulus (as soon as, or  _ if _ he was born, scary thought) would be a bit more free, as he wouldn’t really have something to live up to, except that he was a Black, and the younger brother of Sirius. I wanted to believe that my presence in this world had changed it somehow, that everyone was loved by their family, but I was soon realizing that it didn’t change it much. The almost-love that I heard from my mother came less and less the more time went by, and her thoughts were beginning to get cloudy and foggy, like she was becoming mad. I tried to shut out her thoughts from my head, but I wasn’t good at it yet, and it made me a bit nauseous to be around her for too long. It was Kreacher who took care of us most of the time, and it was sad to think about. 

I didn’t know where I would be placed in the question about freedom. I highly doubted that I would have much, but a girl could dream. It was hard as it was already, so many things that weren’t allowed. I quickly learned that crying=bad, so I didn’t do that anymore. Not if I wanted to be shut and locked inside my room for several hours, stuck in the dark. 

**_Fear._ **

Fear was my driving factor. If I could escape the fear, I would live. Do as you’re told, or else bad things will happen to you, it was quickly established as me and my brother grew older. I learned when to shut up (most of the time) and when I was allowed to do things. Life became a list of rules of do:s and don’t:s, and to disobey these were akin to death. Punishments were to be expected. 

It wasn’t funny, nowhere near funny in fact. The things that I’d looked forward to doing and learning quickly disappeared, and my only focus was on surviving. I would make sure that we survived, me and my twin. There could be no other acceptable outcome. We didn’t have to be fine, I knew it was a lot to wish for, but we would survive. I promised that to myself. 


End file.
